| Contemplation |
[Sunday
October 1st, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
I have been thinking about going back to church...but I still don't think I am ready. Everytime I think about it..a wave of anger and fear rushes over me. And I think to myself..there is no way I can do this now. I have too much going on..to much on my mind. Too much to deal with.
I am going to be starting school here soon. And I have to admit that the thought of being on good terms with HIM again sounds good when I know that I am going to be going through so much stress and would love to have a little guidence and ressurence that things will be ok. But then that leads me right back to where I am now. I don't trust HIM that things will be ok. Things have never been ok. Why would now be be any different? I have done everything he's asked before..I have been as good as I could possibily be..followed all his laws..went to him for guidence..trusted that if I did everything I was supposed to..everything would be ok.. But I was wrong.
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| Enos |
[Sunday
October 1st, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
And I soon go to my place of rest, which is with my Redeemer;for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father.
- Enos 1:27
I know I am not ready to meet my Father now. But it is comforting to know that he already has a place ready for me. It is a reminder that my time here on earth is only temporary. That it is not my real home. Someday I will be going home to my real home. I have no idea when that time is.. but it is coming. I should keep that in mind more. Especially when I am tempted to go my own way..and ignore the way I know He wants me to go.
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| My business |
[Sunday
September 17th, 2006] |
I have an "LDS Daybook of Comfort and Joy" that is very simular to my most favorite book "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnock. But the LDS book takes mostly scriptures with an occasional quote by a prophet or an Elder.. and the author examines that scripture and writes about what it means to her in her life. She gives a scripture for each day of the year.
I thought I would look at whatever scripture she chose for that day and try to do the same thing..see what it means to me in my life.
Today's quote is by Joseph Smith.
We must walk uprightly all the day long. How glorious are the principals of righteousness! We are full of selfishness; the devil flatters us that we are very righteous, when we are feeding on the faults of others. We can only live by worshiping our God; all must do it for themselves; none can do it for another.
-Joseph Smith
This makes me think of my Dad..or Mellissa. Tow people I know who think better of themselves by putting other people down. Looking at other people's faults makes them feel better about themselves. And I have to admit..I have been guilty of this from time to time in my life..but it is not something I do very often. I don't like to make others feel bad. But my Dad and Melissa..they enjoy it.
I shouldn't care so much what others do or don't do.. but that part of me comes from my extreme lack of self-esteem. I am always comparing myself to others..but instead of putting them down in order to make myself feel better..I put myself down and feel worse. I beat myself up. I need to worry about myself and stop worrying so much about what others do.
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| Confusion |
[Saturday
September 16th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
Let me tell you..I have no idea what is going on in my head these days.. I feel so overwhelmed by all these emotions. I don't like to think about it. But I am going to try to use this journal to explore the thoughts and feelings that have been going through my head. Try to make some sense of them. See what it is I am really feeling. I know I believe that The Church is the true church. I know I believe in God. But everything else is all jumbled up right now. So I guess I have a long journey ahead of me.
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| Funny |
[Friday
September 15th, 2006] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
I just realized that I was so exciteed to finally make some lds friends on here that I started joining communities without even making my first post in here!
I am just excited. Something new in all...but I am happy to finally have a place to sort though all of the thoughts that I have been having lately...and to have some friends who might understand.
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